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lyrics

This is I,
questioning existence,
twenty-two years, fifty-nine days, and
twenty-one hours on the road…
hitchhiking back to my birth.

Walking backwards into the future facing the past,
reading back the words of my autobiography,
looking for any clue that may lead me to the womb of my conception…
the land that birthed me:
Colombia.

I retrace my steps and here I am,
back to Chapter 1,
on the mountain tops of Andes,
a day away from meeting my mother.

For tomorrow I enter the town of my birth,
or at least that is what I am told,
for I do not remember being born,
but I do remember being alive.

If all I have is memory, then
how do I know I truly exist?
For my existence is then taken
from the collective thoughts and words of others.
I rely on them for my existence…
for my worth.

Tomorrow I enter the town of my birth,
and when I get there
my pilgrimage will not end,
but finally commence.
I hope I am recognized,
for I know I must have changed some
in the process of aging,
or at least that is what I am told…

For when I grow old and gray
I never want to be that guy
who sits in his rocking chair,
on his porch, smoking cigars,
trying to fog up reality,
regretting his past because he didn’t care enough
to try and find…
his essence.

So when I finally enter the town of my birth,
I will at least know that I tried.
When I finally enter the town of my birth,
I will be that guy
standing at the edge of the mountain top of Medellín –
the town I am told saw me before I was able to see it –
and it will see me again,
but this time I will be regarding it,
hoping that in its old age it will remember me.

And there I’ll be,
hollering to my mother for the first time
words I’ve wanted to say,
words I’ve wished to say,
and words that I have needed to say
since I can remember:

“Beginning,
oh sweet, mothering beginning,
I never thought I would meet you...
again.”

credits

from Hir​ˌ​ī​th​(​Ē​)​Ə, released March 31, 2022
Lyrics and audio design by Julián Esteban Torres López
Performed by Julián Esteban Torres López

_"Rerooted in Medellín," early version of words originally published as "Medellín" in Colombia Reports, November 2010.

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Julián Esteban Torres López Kailua Kona, Hawaii

Julián Esteban Torres López, a divergent polymath and multi-hyphenate artist, explores how we engage with, make sense of, heal from, and transform the nature-nurture of being. His trauma-informed creations and expressions examine heritage and existential concerns with care and nuance through a decolonial prism. ... more

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